Anya's Birth Story Told in Pictures

I just FINALLY got around to watching Anya's birth video (3 months later!). I guess I was a bit embarrassed by all the noise I made and the completely unflattering position I was in. I would totally post it, but um, no. You all don't want to see my big ole' beached whale self grunting and bleeding all over the place, so in it's place, I give you some not particularly good drawings I did with microsoft paint and a bit of commentary to go with them. You're welcome.

I apologize in advance for the run on sentences and gratuitous use of parentheses.

This is me vocalizing in the tiny bathtub in which I was stuck for several hours. Had I not been in total denial and we had possession on the hose and attachments needed, I would have gotten stuck in the birth pool instead. That would have been MUCH more comfortable.

In between contractions, to keep from losing my damn mind, I would pretty much just go in my head and sink under the water. This was basically the only way I could force myself to continue breathing. According to those who saw me I looked very zen and all super-hypnobabies and junk...but in my head I was freaking the heck out. Remember that the next time you watch one of those super zen looking moms giving birth on youtube. You have no clue what's going on in their head. (*Note: I did not sound zen...at all)

This is my husband trying to get some rest and help our older daughter get some sleep. He was talking to my friends on a big group chat thing and they were all freaking out telling him to set up the birth pool and call the midwife because when I had last talked with them I was having contractions 3 minutes apart. Poor guy couldn't even if I would have let him. No hose! Those red lines are me "vocalizing" aka screaming like a Klingon warrior.

At some point after I freaked out and finally gave in that I really was in labor the birth team arrived. I don't want to draw all of them, because there were three of them and I'm lazy. This is my doula/student midwife checking me and realizing that we're going to have a baby soon! (Complete (very different from 2pm that afternoon, eh Maggie!) with a cervical lip that the midwife held out of the way while I pushed. Apparently, this is a common thing for VBACs.)

Just because it's a home birth, doesn't mean they weren't prepared. They have all the same tools that would be present in a birth center. So there.
Around this time, the discussion of how to get the glass shower doors off started...they only come off from the inside and I would have to be out of their way to accomplish this. I tell them via grunting that there's no way in hell that's happening. I go back in my face-underwater-zen-bat cave.

Husband (looking rather short in the drawing...uh, imagine he's sitting on the floor or something) comes in and out periodically between helping our older daughter and doing things the birth team asks of him. He also tries to set up cameras to capture the action, but due to the nature of our craptastically tiny bathroom, which is now full of people, that only works marginally well. When he is present I squeeze the crap out of his hand like there's no tomorrow (because in my head, clearly there isn't a tomorrow and I'm dying). His hand is pretty much the only pain relief I got in labor other than the now cold water since not even our giant water heater can keep up with nearly six hours of shower time. (I can haz my gold star now?)

The midwife is there most of the time I believe, prepping things, trying to figure out how to get the door off, knitting an adorable baby hat for Anya. The midwife's other student/assistant is there as well, but again, lazy. (Sorry Michelle!)

This is during pushing, which took WAY longer than I imagined it would (about an hour and a half). Her head kept going back in and I was really frustrated. Plus, it hurt. A LOT. Who knew, right? My husband remarks that he didn't think the inside of me was furry. Oh wait, that's her head.
There's much switching of positions of the birth team so the midwife can spot Nathan while he catches. Only problem is that I wouldn't let go of his hand. So, using the opposite hand that he would have preferred using, he reaches in as I completely ignore the midwife saying "she's got a short cord" and push her all the way out. She flops into the tub with the grace of a sea lion falling off a rock trying to dive after a herring.
Immediately, I look both relieved and kind of stoned.

They pick her up and put her on my chest. There's much congratulations and I'm just more relieved than anything that the pain is over. Here's my inner monologue at that moment- "Oh, hi! There's a baby on my chest! Oh, MY baby? And I just pushed her out myself?! Awesome!"

I didn't draw a picture of my placenta, because I didn't want the gross out police to report me to facebook, so here's a picture of the placenta smoothie I enjoyed while snuggling in my very own bed, with my perfect little family.

She's here (well, she's been here a while, this is a bit overdue!)

Anya Kathryn
Born 11/17/11 5:37 am
7lbs 2oz 19" long

I had been having fairly regular, labor like contractions the day before, overnight, and through the morning the day I was 39 weeks (Wednesday), so I had Maggie (my doula/student midwife/midwife's assistant) come over to check me around 2pm since she was eating lunch nearby with my midwife's other student, Michelle. At that time I was only 1cm and maybe 50% effaced which was frustrating because I KNEW this was the beginning. It felt a bit like last time where no one believed what I knew in my heart. Anyway, I decided to try to ignore them for as long as I could and have Nathan finish up his work stuff but to be ready to call in that it was time. By the time he was done with work I was really thinking that it was go time, but still was doubting myself. I sent him with Vala to publix and to pick up dinner from Moe's while I dealt with contractions by myself and talked to my awesome friends on this groupme text app that Nathan set up. Before he got home we had figured out I was having contractions about 3 minutes apart! I still didn't want to call Kelli (midwife) or Maggie, because I was sure that they would be coming out for nothing and I wanted them to rest since they had been at a birth the previous night. Once he got home, I ate between contractions and took some benadryl to try to get some rest. I had attempted to get Vala to sleep but my vocalizations kept waking her up, so I put her in bed with me and finally got her to sleep around 11:30pm. Nathan went to bed around the same time I think.

I probably got about 45 minutes of highly interrupted sleep before having to get up. I tried working through the contractions in any position I could come up with, but I kept having to run to the bathroom and pee between them but I couldn't stay on the toilet through them. I decided just to get in the bathtub at that point since the birth pool hadn't been set up and I still was trying to pretend that it wasn't really real (HA!). After about 3 hours (3am) of having a hard time handling contractions (with Nathan coming in and out of the bathroom because I kept waking Vala up and I wanted him to comfort her...though, my cats acted as doulas at the time, checking on me and letting me pet them) I told him to call Maggie because I didn't feel like I could handle them by myself anymore and by then I was just about sobbing at the end of every contractions because I thought I hadn't progressed at all and I would be going through this forever and I was just being a big wuss and I didn't want to bother the birth team and make them come out for nothing.

Well...15 minutes later I started having to squeeze my hips together during contractions and I felt her move down so I tried to feel for what was going on and had a bunch of bloody show and felt something hard not too far in. I made Nathan feel and he called Maggie exclaiming "I think her head is right there!". She arrived about 15 minutes after that and checked me and said that I was complete with an anterior cervical lip and that we were feeling the bag of waters bulging! So much for my fear of not having progressed!!! Kelli arrived shortly after and apparently Michelle did as well, but I didn't really notice. At this point I was dealing with contractions by kind of going into a zone attempting to breathe in between contractions by putting most of my face under water (oh, yeah, I NEVER got out of the tub...I was in there for like 6 hours. Haha.) and then vocalizing and squeezing Nathan's hand during contractions. Around the time they arrived I started to feel the urge to push. Kelli held back the cervical lip (which I was not happy about at the time because it was during a contraction, but happy that she did it) and my bag of water broke. I was on my back at this point, pretty much completely ignoring what everyone was saying (mostly because I was underwater when they were saying it and I couldn't hear them) because I literally COULD NOT not do anything I wasn't already doing. They were trying to figure out how to take off the stupid glass shower doors so they could access me, which couldn't happen because they only come off from the inside. I found it really irritating at the time, but now I find it hilarious that there were 5 people and sometimes Vala in my tiny bathroom all at once.

I pushed for about an hour and 20 minutes, getting really frustrated every time she would move out and go back in...finally her head popped through and Nathan attempted to use both hands to catch her but I refused to let him go. So, he sort of guided her out with Kelli's assistance to flop onto the bottom of the tub (which had been drained at this point because I couldn't stop lifting up when I pushed and there was less water in the tub now). Then they lifted her to me and put her on my chest! She was perfect and wonderful and FINALLY the pain had stopped (this was at 5:37am Thursday morning). I delivered the placenta not long after and Nathan cut the cord long after it had stopped pulsing. We finally got me in bed and eating (and drinking a placenta smoothie). Then they did the newborn exam and I believe her APGARs were all 10 consistently. She weighed 7lbs 2oz and was 19 inches long. After her exam I got stitched up since I had a 2nd degree tear (because stubborn me pushed too fast and wouldn't get up off my back!), a small upwards tear and an internal skid mark.

It was AWESOME! I'm not quite at the "I'll do it again in a heartbeat" phase, but it was SO empowering that I KNEW and I did so much of it myself and I didn't really need anyone but myself until the end (though, it would have been nice to have Nathan's hand to hold, I think I would have been way more whiny about it had I been allowed the chance). So, anyway, A BABY CAME OUT OF MY VAGINA! WOOOOOO!!!

Birth Plans

I though I would share my birth plan(s) with you. During our childbirth education class I was asked to make two or three birth plans; a light hearted homebirth plan and a hospital transfer plan (and if we wished, a separate plan for the baby). Being that my husband and I are mega nerds, we went with a Star Trek theme for our homebirth plan.
Birth Plans Web.

32 Week Update

It's been a while! Being pregnant with a toddler in tow is way more challenging that I could have ever imagined! I can't even fathom what it's going to be like next time!
Anyway, I just wanted to post a quick update...

-I'm still doing everything I listed in my last update to prepare for my VBAC (other than that the classes have now been completed). I've also added taking red raspberry leaf capsules and alfalfa capsules daily to my massive vitamin regime to ensure my uterus is as strong as possible and my blood clotting factors are good to help prevent hemorrhaging after birth as well as boosting baby's vitamin K levels naturally so we can avoid the shot.

-Baby is head down now and mostly favoring LOA (Left Occiput Anterior) or ROA (Right Occiput Anterior) positions which is promising since my placenta is anterior I've been a little paranoid about keeping up with spinningbabies.com techniques for preventing posterior positioning.

-We had a quick ultrasound to get a peek at our little cutie. She looks JUST like her sister!

-Had a baby shower, which was a total blast!

-Have a virtual mother blessing posted on facebook. If you would like to participate, please click here.

-I'm feeling a major nesting urge and more or less I'm very calm about the upcoming birth. It's kind of blowing my mind though that I could have a baby in my arms in 5-10 weeks!

Preparing for my VBAC

Not my belly! ;)

I'm 21 weeks pregnant today! Holy cow time is flying (yet somehow also dragging...)! Here are some things that I'm doing to prepare my VBAC (some of these things are on advice of my midwife or doula, some are from previous VBAC moms);

-Surrounding myself with a great support team that I can put my trust in 100%

-Attending events and meetings with my local ICAN chapter and participating in online discussions with them

-Staying away from negative or fear mongering pregnancy/birth forums

-Daily massage of my c-section scar with evening primrose oil

-Kegels as often as I remember to do them (usually while I'm nursing my daughter to sleep)

-At least a few minutes of yoga every day including pelvic tilts and squats

-Working hard to keep my posture in check and not leaning back as much as possible to encourage optimal fetal positioning

-Planning on scheduling chiropractic care weekly starting at 30 weeks (just trying to find a good chiropractor that isn't more pregnant than me at the moment!)

-Started a six week child birth/hypnobirthing class with my husband taught by my doula

-Daily practice of self hypnosis relaxation methods

-Covering my house with positive affirmations

-Assembling my birth altar to help me focus during labor (more about that when I get closer to being finished with it)

-Planning a mother blessing gathering closer to my guess date


What did you do (or are doing/planning on doing) to help prepare for VBAC?

Scars During Pregnancy

I asked my ICAN sisters to share their experiences with their scars during pregnancy and birth with me. I think their responses illustrate that "normal is a wide canyon" (an often thought of quote from my midwife) quite beautifully. 

"I had some twinges there for a while, I think in the second trimester. I don't remember if I had emotional issues about it...probably...I was pretty emotional in general. I remember it hurting the same way it did shortly after surgery. Which brought back a lot of freaky memories. At first each pain yanked me back into that time again, although only for a minute or so. I definitely hated mine for a long time. Now I think of it as a battle wound." Katie, 10 years between births

"I tried to focus more on living in the present...& on growing a healthy baby, on my upcoming vbac, on staying positive & letting go of past baggage.  I * still * have occasional pain in my scar, and when I was preggo, I thought it might rip open it felt soooo stretched. But I really tried to get those thoughts out of my brain quickly!! I only had 9 months between my pregnancies...and healed very, very slowly. I got pregnant right after I started to feel normal again!My c-section was 3 years ago & I was laying on the floor with the girls the other day. I moved wrong & had a super sharp pain in my scar! Ugh." Viva, 18 months between births

"My scar was so far below my enormous belly that I never thought about it....it wasn't like I could ever see it. I didn't feel anything there. I don't now except on rare occasions. Oh- and I had a really intense massage done around it once....it felt so flippin' strange. But maybe that really did help? My first scar was red and "angry" and puffy for a long time.  My second scar (ERCS, "window" rupture discovered during delivery) was a nice, thin white line from the start.   It totally mirrors the experiences I had, which I find interesting.  " Maggie, 21 months between births

"I had pulling and tugging during movement, and the occasional sharpish twinge in a certain spot. I've had a ton of massage work on my scar, though, so I imagine it would have been worse if I hadn't. Worse for the first one, though still present for the second. The first VBAC and second VBAC were just under three years apart." Missy, 3 years between births (twice)

"With my first scar, I think something happened when the nerves were reconnecting. I could not even touch it without giving myself the willies. It physically bothered me to touch it. I believe it also affected Katelyn when I was pregnant with her. I think she could feel it, too. When I did touch my scar,  I would get the strange nerve sensations and she would react. After my second c-section (ugh), I do not have the same nerve irritation. I do not think people realize that scars can physically hurt, even way after the initial pain is gone." Allison, 25 months between births

"My scar stayed very pink (red in places) and tender to touch for years.  Sometimes it would ache and throb for no apparent reason.  I had certain pairs of underwear and pants that I just couldn't wear anymore because of the pain.  When I became pregnant with my second in March of 2010 and as I started growing, the scar hurt worse and worse.  The way my pregnant belly seemed to abruptly "stop" right at the scar line made me feel like my scar was under tremendous pressure.  By the end of my pregnancy, I wondered if my scar would hold up.  As far as the emotions attached to the scar, when I consider it the work of  the OB, as if the scar belongs to him because he put it there, that makes me angry and I feel violated.  But, when I consider it the place where I birthed my precious daughter and see the scar is MINE, I can love it as part of my story.  After my VBAC with my 2nd baby, my scar has healed so quickly.  It is now white/flesh colored and is barely visible.  I also can put pressure against it and I feel no pain.  We can't always control the elements of our life stories (or we just don't know any better) but we can control what we take from it, how we grow from it and how we use it from that point on.  So I have to admit I kind of love my scar now." Jenna, 20 months between births 

"I had no scar changes during my second pregnancy. I did oil my belly, hips, and butt daily with apricot kernel oil, in the hopes of avoiding stretch marks (happy to report, nary a one!). In doing so, I did also oil the scar, but never with a particular intention of improving its appearance. It looked so bad for so long, I kind of gave up on trying to make it look better.
Being able to communicate about it with Annika has really helped my acceptance. One day, she asked "Mommy what is this on your belly?" and I answered "It's a scar from where you came out of my belly. I couldn't push you out of my vagina like I did with Heidi [Annika was present at Heidi's birth, and watching when she came out], so the doctor cut my belly so we could get you out." She thought for a moment, then looked really sad and said "But Mommy, I don't want you to be cut". I replied "Sweetie, I didn't want to be cut either, but I tried and tried to push you out and I couldn't, and I really really wanted to meet you, so I'm glad the doctor was able to cut me so we could get you out." She thought about it some more, touched my scar again, and her face brightened. "I like it. It looks like a smile" Gotta love a 2.5 year old's outlook on life :)" Jen, 30 months between births

What have your experiences been with your scar during subsequent pregnancies? How did you handle them?

Meet My Scar- 751 days since my cesarean

Wow, I can hardly believe it's been that long! We just celebrated Vala's second birthday and I really can say I don't know where the time has gone. Before I had kids, I thought that was such a cliche thing to say, but really, WHERE IS MY LITTLE BABY?! I think birthdays of traumatically born babies are always an emotional time and this one was no different. In fact, I think that topic deserves it's very own post, so I'm saving that for later.

So, without further adu, on to talk of scars!

My scar is healing alright I suppose. My husband seems to think it's disappearing, but I think mentally I'll always see it as I did immediately after I took that bandage off for the first time.

I've been surprised that I haven't felt a lot of sensation yet in my scar, but I do anticipate that I as I get bigger with this pregnancy. I have been doing daily scar massage with evening primrose oil as suggested by my midwife to help break up scar tissue.

It's a...

GIRL!!!

Introducing Anya Kathryn!

We are totally overjoyed to know that Vala will have a sister! This one seems to be wildly different from Vala and was very shy in giving us a peek of her lady bits, but she did rock out to Metallica on the ultrasound video for us.

Her name means pure grace and of course, like Vala's name, comes from sci-fi television. If you get the references, bonus points to you! 

I have a few posts planned on VBAC info, scars during pregnancy and what I'm personally doing to try to help myself ensure a safe and happy birth this time around.So please, stay tuned for those!

Revelation

I had a revelation last night regarding my c-section. It started because I was bored and stupidly decided to watch "I didn't know I was pregnant...". I know, I know. Terrible idea. Anyway, it made me think "what if I DID have preeclampsia?", so I dug out my medical records and tried to decipher them. My BP was higher on admission than I remember it being (150s/100) and while I can't find any notation of protein in my urine, it does state "severe preeclampsia" several places in the records. That morning at the birth center I tested my own urine and there was no protein. Which is why I've always doubted the diagnoses. However, I did have fairly severe pitting edema and I had a headache (which could have been from not sleeping , being stressed and not eating or drinking well). I always blamed the BP on the crazy morning I had that day dealing with my bank account being hacked and my friend finding out she was pregnant and then freaking out because my midwife basically abandoned me and shipped me off to the one place I was terrified of. 

If I really had preeclampsia, it means two things in my mind; One, that I did the right thing by going to the hospital for treatment, maybe ultimately the c-section WAS the right choice. Second, my body DID fail me. I've spent almost two years now being angry at the medical establishment, the nurses, the OB, the midwife because it was easier than being angry at myself. Perhaps though, I need to own up to some of the blame. Of course, the way I was treated was still deplorable...but maybe the actual treatments were necessary. Maybe I didn't really have a choice on the epidural because I did "need" it. Maybe I did have to be strapped down by the mag/sulfate.  How different would things have been with a doula? Would the same outcome have happened? Would I have still wound up with a baby in distress and ultimately a c-section? Perhaps. Though, I probably would have been more confident about the outcome and not been treated so poorly.

I always thought I was really in labor when I arrived at the hospital. I had progressed two cm from the time I was checked in the late morning to the time I arrived in triage in the early afternoon. The contractions I was having were different from the prodromal labor I had been experiencing and I just 'knew' something was different. But, what if I could have walked around like that for a few more days? Did I really let them induce me? Did the magnesium or the stress from being transferred cause Vala to pass the meconium? Was it my high BP that caused it? 

My records state that I had a 10% placental abruption. What caused that? Did it happen during the surgery? Before? After? Was that why she passed meconium? Was that the reason she was distressed?

Something else the records state is that Vala's cord was "around her shoulder", though the OB told me after the surgery that "he thought the cord was somehow pinched between her shoulder and my pelvis"...what am I to believe? What if her cord really WAS wrapped around her shoulder? Would there have been any chance for a vaginal delivery if the other challenges weren't present? 

I still doubt her APGARs. 1 at one minute, 3 at three minutes, 4 at ten minutes and 5 at fifteen minutes. She was immediately screaming, kicking and pink so I just can't see how she could have had an APGAR of 1...

...But I digress...I suppose knowing any of this for sure won't change a thing, or does it?

I see two options; I can be angry at the establishment for railroading me and causing all my suffering, I can be the victim OR I can take responsibility for doing what I thought was best at the time and that my body failed me and there's no way my daughter could have been born vaginally. I really hate that second option, but the more I learn, the more it seems true to me. 

All I can do is to do everything in my power to prevent these things from occurring again with this pregnancy. As soon as my "morning" sickness allows I will be following a brewer like diet high in protein and I've already started taking vitamin D and calcium/magnesium. I'm also going to ask my midwife about dandelion leaf and any other things I can start doing now to ensure a healthier pregnancy and birth. 

I do feel 100% safer in the care of my current midwife and doula. I KNOW they won't just drop my care at a slight issue and even if I do need to transfer, they'll be at my side the whole way. The biggest issue I see in hindsight from the last time was that I felt a lack of trust in my birth team but I didn't follow my gut. Always follow your gut!

Big News!

Guess what?! After 11 months of trying unsuccessfully (thanks to a lack of cycles due to breastfeeding), I'm finally pregnant!

There will be a lot more blogging going on here in regards to pregnancy after cesarean, physically and emotionally preparing for a VBAC and my planned HBAC (Home Birth After Cesarean).

I'm about to leave on vacation for a week, but I wanted to give you the big news before I head out. I'm really looking forward to blogging my journey!

Meet My Scar- Day ?

Wow! I haven't posted a scar pic since JULY! Um...sorry about that. Life is crazy, as always.

Here's my scar today-

I haven't done anything to it for quite some time. I did finish the silicone sheet treatment. I feel "eh" about that over all.

This picture was taken standing so you can see the part that bothers me the most. That little pucker. Underneath is a nice, painful lump of adhesions. I hate that part. The other side is slowly going silvery.

It has been 598 days since my daughter was cut out of me. I definitely have ups and downs with the emotional side of recovery and as for the physical side? Well...I still have numbness, tingling, random pain, not to mention the stabby adhesion pain. It's not fun. I really had hoped by this far out from surgery, things would be back to normal. I'm not saying this is normal, or that every woman that has had a c-section will have issues after a year and half (wow, I can't believe my baby is that old...), it's just my personal experience.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our next child for many months now and I sometimes wonder how the c-section is affecting my fertility. Or maybe it's my mental hangups that are keeping me from getting pregnant again. It's most likely that my cycle has yet to return, but my mind loves to go to those "nothing will ever be ok again" places. *sigh*


I'm planning something very exciting for the blog, which will mostly likely be happening this spring. Stay tuned for details!

Some days every little thing is a trigger...

If you have experienced birth trauma, do you find you have triggers that bring you back to the moment(s) of suffering you experienced?

Today several things triggered me, mostly because I'm in a rather emotional state lately. I drove past the hospital where my daughter was torn from me, I caught a glance of my scar in the mirror and I heard this song;



I'm trying to find ways for things that trigger me to somehow empower me along the way. It's an uphill battle most days. I'm still fighting though, and that's what's important.

Beauty

A friend shared this on my local ICAN and it really resonates with me.

"I just finished the book, "Little Bee", by Chris Cleave. It is about a Nigerian
refugee and an English woman. It is a great book. There were two very touching
paragraphs that made me think of my ICAN ladies, so I wanted to share them with
you. In this part, Little Bee, the Nigerian woman is in a detention center and
she is speaking to the reader:"

"On the girl's brown legs there were many small white scars. I was thinking, Do
those scars cover the whole of you, like the stars and moons on your dress? I
thought that would be pretty too, and I ask you right here to please agree with
me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But
you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as
beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not
form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.

In a few breaths' time I will speak some sad words to you. But you must hear
them the same way we have agreed to see scars now. Sad words are just another
beauty. A sad story means, this storyteller is alive. The next thing you know,
something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and she will turn around
and smile."

I know it's been a LONG time since I've updated about my scar progress, but I've been in a different place in my head. I promise to write more here soon.

Tips for Recovering

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much lately, life has been super busy! I've been sharing my blog with lots of moms who have just had a c-section, so I thought it would be appropriate to post some tips for healing immediately after the surgery.

Meet My Scar- Day 40

My scar today-

I'm sorry I've been completely ignoring this blog. I've been REALLY busy lately. Both with local activism (perhaps you heard about this? I was helping out.) and with committing myself to not being a lump, sitting on the couch all day. So, I've been away from my computer a lot more, doing more with my daughter, doing more in our new house, trying to be a more present person. During therapy I actually realized that being on the computer all day was a coping mechanism for me to not deal with my issues (be they from my c-section or my parents, friends, self, ect). I've realized that I hate being alone with my thoughts and that when I'm bored they start to drift to unpleasant memories that I've tried to hard to repress. I flash back to my c-section a lot when I'm bored. The one memory that I haven't repressed to the point of my other memories is that of Vala's birth. A part of me wants to forget all the horrible trauma that I went though, but I don't want to lose her first moments either. It's a definite struggle in my mind.
Anyway, I'm working hard with therapy to not feel broken. In fact, my new mantra is "I Am Not Broken.". I even made a t-shirt (I'll post pictures later). I realized that I've felt broken for most of my life. I grew up in the "sick" role of the family and just when I started crawling out from under that role around the time Nathan and I got married and I got pregnant, I had this disaster birth and it just threw me back into the mind set of "something must be wrong with me". Throw in all the emotional issues I've had with friendships and you've got a big ole pot of self doubt with a hearty pinch of self loathing. It's hard for me to see myself as a competent, functional human being and having every bit of control stripped away during my birth not only reinforced what I had felt about myself for so many years but also trampled any little bit of empowerment I had worked so hard to find in myself.
So, I'm working hard on my mind right now and seem to be focusing less on my physical scar. Actually, since it's covered with the silicone scar sheet most of the time I hardly have to look at it. I haven't been massaging it lately at all. I have started working with a chiropractor and massage therapist though, so hopefully I can kick my butt into gear about it. I see them again today and plan on asking for some DIY tips. My massage therapist actually mentioned something interesting last time that I want to do a whole post about. More on that later.
Physically, my scar seems to not be doing much. I'm on the third silicone scar sheet (week 5). I think it feels a bit smoother and there are parts that are starting to disappear but the colored portions are still angry looking to me. My husband thinks I should write to ScarAway and tell them their product isn't working because he can't notice a difference. I want to give it the rest of the 3 weeks until I cast any judgment.

Meet My Scar- Day 20

My scar this morning-

Massage is going much better since my great revelation the other day. I'm quite excited about that. Color and smoothness seem to still be improving.
I'm planning on doing a series of interviews with medical professionals about healing c-section scars (physical and emotional). I haven't contacted anyone but I have a few people in mind. Is there anyone you would like to see featured here?

Scar Massage Revalation

I just did two minutes of Mayan massage followed by two minutes of the technique I posted about yesterday and it's SO much easier to massage my scar A) after doing the Mayan massage and B) WITH the scar strip on. No icky feelings! I'm very excited about this since I've had a hard time with doing the massage.

Meet My Scar- Day 17

Here's my scar today-

My scar is feeling ok lately. I was able to massage it using the method I just posted about without too much trouble last night. I could only go for about 2 minutes before the icky feelings overwhelmed me. I get to start a new silicone strip. The first one did amazingly make it all two weeks without needing outside help to keep it on. I was pretty surprised about that. I thought for sure it would have fallen off with all the cat hair that had embedded in it. It's looking ok, no big changes other than generally being smoothing and a few more places turning to silver. I do think there will be major improvement by the time I'm done with the full 2 months wearing the strips.

DIY Scar Massage- Part 3

Here is some info on what I believe is myofascial release but could possibly be the Wurn technique, though I'm not familiar with Wurn.

"Scar tissue massage is not recommended during the first five to eight days after surgery, or if you have an infection, God forbid! The first week should be all about resting the abdominal area, and not overdoing anything, being careful to prevent movements that can comprise or pull on your scar. For the best success scar massage for c-sect should be performed within the first 14 weeks after surgery. But it is never too late to start the process.
Make sure the scar is not sensitive to the touch, to help desensitize the area place a warm washcloth over scar and lightly rub with fingertips for 1-2 minutes. Once you are able to touch the scar without sensitivity or pain you are ready to massage or use one of the taping products.
Scar massage is done very gently you don’t use a lot of pressure. First test to see if any area of the scar feels stuck to underlying tissue, place your thumb and index finger on opposite ends of the scar. Gently push your thumb and finger together. If your scar and skin make a rounded arch out away from your body, then outer layers of scar tissue are not adhered. If the scar looks more similar to an “M” with the center of the scar stuck and this forms an arch on either side, then you have scar tissue adhesions present. If you can’t lift the scar away from your body you may have areas of tissue adhesion or you could still be a little swollen from the surgery.
Next place your two index fingers perpendicular to each other and press gently as you push towards each other. You do this as you move along the scar.
Next place your fingers over the scar and gently move the scar in circles (clock-wise and counter clock-wise). Your fingers should not slide over the skin. This can help smooth out your scar. If one area feels more stuck than another, spend more time in the stuck area.
Next place your middle and index fingers perpendicular on the left side of the scar. Gently pull the scar up toward your head, and push it down toward to feet in a rhythmic manner. Hold ½ second or less in each direction. Move across the scar repeating the up and down motion, do not slide your fingers across the skin. Your fingers should move with the scar, again using very light pressure.
Next lightly grasp one end of the scar between your thumb and index finger. Gently lift scar away from body, separating it from the underlying tissue. Gently move your fingers side to side for 30 seconds. Move your fingers to the center of the scar, repeat technique and then move to the opposite end of the scar, and repeat." -From Massage A Mom

DIY Scar Massage- Part 2

I'm feeling under the weather right now, but I wanted to share this article that I scanned out of Mothering Magazine's March/April 2010 issue about how to preform Mayan massage on yourself-

 

Click the picture above for a larger image. Alternatively, you can read the full article which discusses the benefits of Mayan massage here. The article mainly discusses the benefits of Mayan massage pertaining to menstrual and fertility issues, but those are just the tip of the purported benefit iceberg. A more complete list of benefits and some more info is available here.

Meet My Scar- Day 13

 My scar today-
I played around with my photo editing program (nothing fancy, just Picasa) to make my scar a little more lifelike. I feel like the pictures don't do my scar justice if that makes sense.
I kind of feel like doing a little art therapy by making my scar look how it feels to me. I'll see if I can get my husband to help me figure out how to do that. Otherwise, maybe I'll break out my easel and paint it. I haven't painted in ages.
I'm going to write later about Maya(n) massage, so stay tuned for that!

Meet My Scar- Day 12

Here's my scar today-

The color is definitely changing though it seems darker in places and much lighter in places. Overall it seems very purple today.
The scar strip is really having trouble staying on. It's supposed to still be worn until this coming Sunday (2 weeks per strip), so I may have to resort to band aids to hold it on or something. I don't know if my problem is abnormal since I have a LOT of cats so I'm having cat hair issues with it.
I know I promised that I would be writing more, and I will, but I'm having trouble finding motivation right now. That's one of the big problems with PPD, it's hard to heal when you don't want to do much at all and talking about it is even harder.

Life gets in the way sometimes...

I'm sorry for the lack of posts lately. Things have been extra nutty around here. I'll be taking the day off today as well to get the house in order and recuperate from the weekend. I'll make it up to you, promise!

Meet My Scar- Day 8

Here's my scar today (pic taken standing up)-

I'm having a really busy couple of days so I won't be blogging much. Not too much change today. The silicone strip is starting to not adhere well, even after washing. I hope it can make another week.

Meet My Scar- Day 7

My scar today-

My scar seems to developing places randomly that are improving in color while other places stay the same. I'm sure it will even out eventually.
I had a tough time yesterday touching it, lots of icky feelings. I found out that a massage therapist that is well known for c-section scar massage works at the chiropractor that I'm going to be going to and my insurance will cover it! I'm going to be asking her to show me how to do self massage and I'll write about it here.
Speaking of writing, I meant to write more yesterday but my husband had the day off so I spent time with him instead of being glued to my computer. I have a big list of things to do today, but if I can accomplish a good portion of it, I'll sit down and write a bit.

Meet My Scar- Day 6

My scar this morning-

 No big changes today, just a little smoother. It seems like the outer parts are starting to blend. It still feels very rope like though. I haven't been that good about massage. I hardly touched it yesterday at all. I feel like I have some emotional hurdles before I can really be comfortable touching it. I didn't get a chance to call insurance about a massage therapist, but I will make it a priority today.
I'm planning on writing quite a bit later, I'm thinking I'll do a post about more methods to heal physically and possibly a post about postpartum body image. We'll see how the day pans out.

Meet My Scar- Day 5

 My scar today-

(Sorry this isn't the best pic, Vala is being clingy and insists on nursing every time I take out my phone to snap a pic) 

It’s looking really good today. It seems smoother and softer. The color is still in the process of changing. I did get a weird attack of itchiness last night, but it went away faster than it usually does when it gets itchy. I’m noticing that the edges of the strip are starting to not adhere well, so I guess I need to wash it. I’ve been wearing the strip for the maximum time possible and just taking it off for baths and to massage my scar/take pics.

Massaging isn’t going as well as I want it to. I need to kick my butt into gear about that. Even if the scar ‘looks’ good from the outside it won’t be truly healed until I help that scar tissue break up. My husband and I have been trying to conceive number two for a while now and I’m a little worried about the pain resulting from scar tissue stretching again. I feel like it might be worth it to look into a massage therapist for this. I wonder if my insurance would cover that…I guess I’ll add that to my list of questions that I need to call about.

Meet My Scar- Day 4

My scar today (please note that I just realized that I've been putting the wrong time on the scar a day pics...those occurred at 12 months 2 weeks)-

My scar today seems miraculously smaller. It's just over 4 inches now instead of the 5 inches that I started with only 4 days ago (and only 1 1/2 days of wearing the silicone strip). I'm REALLY surprised by this result. It also feels much softer and the color has changed a bit. *I have a theory about the size. I think I may have been a bit bloated when I started the pictures, so that could explain the shrinkage.

I forgot that I was wearing the strip yesterday until about halfway into my bath (which should be a testament to how comfortable it is...or possibly how sleep deprived I am) and was convinced that I ruined the strip. Nope. Just had to let it dry off and it was good to go again. I was worried the soap in my bath would affect the stickiness, but it's held tight, even after a long night of tossing and turning (I hurt my back last night).
I'm super excited to see more improvement!

Meet My Scar- Day 3

Here is my scar this morning-

Yesterday I managed to massage my scar for my blog post and I intended to massage it again in the shower, but I got distracted by a slippery toddler. Maybe today? We’ll see. I also discovered that my vitamin C got exposed to moisture and is now kaput. So, I’ll have to pick up some new supplements next time I’m out. I did however receive my silicone scar sheets and applied one last night (read my post here for more details). So far so good with that. Massaging this morning went well (slight feelings of ickiness and a little soreness) but was cut short by a grouchy, teething toddler who fell on her butt while trying to chase the cat. Such is the life of a mom! I’ll try to get some more time in later.
No noticeable changes due to the scar sheet yet, though it did feel nicely moisturized when I removed it.

ScarAway C-Section Scar Treatment Strips

*This is not a paid review. I will be brutally honest with my experience with these. 

I posted yesterday that I would be starting to use the silicone strips when they arrived sometime next week (I ordered them on Wednesday), well it turns out that shipping is crazy fast! I got them yesterday and put one on last night.