Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Meet My Scar- Day 40

My scar today-
I'm sorry I've been completely ignoring this blog. I've been REALLY busy lately. Both with local activism (perhaps you heard about this? I was helping out.) and with committing myself to not being a lump, sitting on the couch all day. So, I've been away from my computer a lot more, doing more with my daughter, doing more in our new house, trying to be a more present person. During therapy I actually realized that being on the computer all day was a coping mechanism for me to not deal with my issues (be they from my c-section or my parents, friends, self, ect). I've realized that I hate being alone with my thoughts and that when I'm bored they start to drift to unpleasant memories that I've tried to hard to repress. I flash back to my c-section a lot when I'm bored. The one memory that I haven't repressed to the point of my other memories is that of Vala's birth. A part of me wants to forget all the horrible trauma that I went though, but I don't want to lose her first moments either. It's a definite struggle in my mind.
Anyway, I'm working hard with therapy to not feel broken. In fact, my new mantra is "I Am Not Broken.". I even made a t-shirt (I'll post pictures later). I realized that I've felt broken for most of my life. I grew up in the "sick" role of the family and just when I started crawling out from under that role around the time Nathan and I got married and I got pregnant, I had this disaster birth and it just threw me back into the mind set of "something must be wrong with me". Throw in all the emotional issues I've had with friendships and you've got a big ole pot of self doubt with a hearty pinch of self loathing. It's hard for me to see myself as a competent, functional human being and having every bit of control stripped away during my birth not only reinforced what I had felt about myself for so many years but also trampled any little bit of empowerment I had worked so hard to find in myself.
So, I'm working hard on my mind right now and seem to be focusing less on my physical scar. Actually, since it's covered with the silicone scar sheet most of the time I hardly have to look at it. I haven't been massaging it lately at all. I have started working with a chiropractor and massage therapist though, so hopefully I can kick my butt into gear about it. I see them again today and plan on asking for some DIY tips. My massage therapist actually mentioned something interesting last time that I want to do a whole post about. More on that later.
Physically, my scar seems to not be doing much. I'm on the third silicone scar sheet (week 5). I think it feels a bit smoother and there are parts that are starting to disappear but the colored portions are still angry looking to me. My husband thinks I should write to ScarAway and tell them their product isn't working because he can't notice a difference. I want to give it the rest of the 3 weeks until I cast any judgment.

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